hay que decirlo mas

Quizas recuerden a Mr T. y tu madre y su hermosa cancion. Quizas no lo recuerden... en esa caso veanlo para que sepan de que les estoy hablando.

Pues ya vuelve por ahi el dia de las madres y tenemos otra cancion con un muy importante mensaje.

Que jilipipas ni que no. Hay que decir hijo de puta.
--Marlo

Por favor, no enfuresca a Chico Malú

El equivalente de Hulk en Nicaragua se llama Chico Malú.

No enfurezca a «Chico Malú»

«Chico Malú», así se conoce en Jinotepe al demente que al parecer es originario de La Concepción, departamento de Masaya, el que tiene rato de andar deambulando por las calles de esta ciudad.

Aparentemente, Chico es calmo, pero el problema empieza cuando los chavalos lo provoquen para que se llene de furia. En días recientes «Chico Malú» se armó de una enorme piedra que estampó en el vidrio delantero de la camioneta propiedad del señor Donaldo Cruz, quien labora en el proyecto «Hijos del Sol», de Jinotepe.

El afectado dice que no pide nada, sólo que la población evite molestar al demente, porque es cuando enfurece y entonces a pesar de ser aparentemente apacible, representa un peligro para la comunidad.

Murió «María Jocota»

Doña Juana María Mayorga, mejor conocida como «María Jocota», murió en pleno centro comercial de Jinotepe, la tarde de este martes, luego de haberse ahogado en su propio vómito, según dijeron a EL NUEVO DIARIO, varios comerciantes.

Esta reconocida indigente tenía años enteros de andar deambulando en el mercado municipal de esta ciudad y mientras comía le vino un fuerte vómito, lo que le provocó la muerte casi de forma instantánea, pues a pesar de haber sido llevada al hospital, nada se hubiera podido hacer.

Se dice que doña María tenía varios hijos, pero a la hora de su muerte estaba sola. Supimos que la caja la donó el alcalde de Santa Teresa, don José Martínez Narváez, y que la vela tuvo lugar el martes por la noche en la casa municipal del Frente Sandinista, que cedió el local como un gesto humanitario.

Please, don't get drunk in bars

Sometimes I forget I'm living in Texas. It is usually promptly reminded.

Texas arresting people in bars for being drunk

Texas has begun sending undercover agents into bars to arrest drinkers for being drunk, a spokeswoman for the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission said on Wednesday. [...] "There are a lot of dangerous and stupid things people do when they're intoxicated, other than get behind the wheel of a car," Beck said. "People walk out into traffic and get run over, people jump off of balconies trying to reach a swimming pool and miss."

Bad Taste

One of my favorite bars in town is Casino el Camino. Not only they have the best burgers ever, but they also have a really good jukebox and good movies. It was here that I discovered the 1987 Peter Jackson masterpiece. Before Lord of the Rings, before King Kong, Peter Jackson directed Bad Taste.

The movie was so hilarious, that we stayed there to watch the whole thing. Aliens invade a town in New Zealand. It is up to our heroes, armed with machine guns, rocket launchers and sledge hammers to destroy the brains of these evil monsters in the bloodiest manner possible given the super low production budget. Think Evil Dead, but crappier and funnier.

The trailer for the movies can be seen here.

A video clip with an exploding sheep can be seen here.

An alien with his head blown up can be seen here.

Our heroes can be seen cleaning the kitchen here.

I haven't seen King Kong yet, but I had more fun watching this movie than I did with Lord of the Rings.

Derek: I'm a Derek and Dereks don't run!

The freestuff!!

I said that at the SxSW concert we got free stuff worth $60, but I was wrong, it was a lot more than that. Besides the usual pins, bags and t-shirts with logos, I got a very nice looking ladies watch. I gave it away to a friend of mine, she really liked it. The electric guitar strings I gave away to another friend.

I also got a pair of Logitech V20 USB speakers. I don't particularly like them, they don't sound loud enough and can't be use with a standard 1/8" audio connector, but they are worth $80!!

Finally, my favorite free item were the Logitech PlayGear Stealth in-ear earphones. They might look ugly, but they sound fantastic. I don't think I will use my current Apple in-ear headphones anymore. They sound very flat in comparison to my new earphones. If you are looking for good earphones, I strongly recommend the Logitech ones over any earphones made by Apple. Their suggested retail ($20) and their sound quality make buying them a no-brainer.

SXSW only for Jaibas

The Pagan and me went to a free half day (12-6pm) SXSW related promo show. There where many good bands and it was going to be freakin' free, so we were expecting it to be fully packed.

I scouted the venue early in the morning, and saw a somewhat short line near the back door at 9:30am. At around 10:30 or so we went (without any food for the long day) to check the place again, and there was not a single soul in the front door. After just going in, we were very surprised to see the place so empty except for people carrying music equipment. Maybe we got there too early; maybe we should just walk around downtown instead.

As we get out, we realized that there was in fact a huge line at the back door; they were using the front door only for bands and equipment. That meant that previously we had sneaked in by accident. These puertoricans decided to push their luck, and succesfully sneaked in again.

We played it low key, trying to blend in with the people from the bands and record labels. In the process, we got free food from a Tex-Mex catering service, promotional gifts worth a more than $60 and even free alcoholic drinks.

The concerts were really good; Vedera had a very accesible sound and the swedish The Sounds gave a very energetic Rock 'n' Roll show. Also, we got to listen to a couple of songs by Straylight Run, and the show ended with an explosive-but-short show by Thursday.

What a cool day.

Snakes on a motherfucking plane

Enough is enough. I've had it with the snakes.

Snakes on a Plane is a Samuel L. Jackson movie about snakes on a plane. If you are still confused by the plot, check out the teaser trailer.

The forums in IMDB (free subscription required) are pretty funny too, check them out. My favorites are:

What Other Animals Should Be On Public Transport?

Snakes on a plane 2: Planes on a snake


(The title of this post was suggested by The Fred.)

SxSW weird international bands

I went to my first show at SxSW. It isn't that I have never tried to go to some of the shows of this music festival; it is that since it is more of a tradeshow than anything else, the prices for the wristbands are quite high, and it is sometimes impossible to get into the good shows.

But, this time, somehow, it worked out. Half of my party was able to get in the show at Caribbean Lights, where they were going to have some weird mixture of international music.

It all started with 127, an Iranian band. They have some story about repression and underground rock in Iran that several people tried to explain to me. It sounded kind of contradictory, so I don't know what to think of it. They had a very interesting middle eastern sound with rock and funk influence.

Then I got to see Gecko Turner, a soft-reggae band from Madrid. Fun, funk.

From Russia, Auktyon. The band members looked like each of them had their own idiosyncrasies (mental problems): the bassist ('shrooms), the tuba player (pot), the keyboard-trumpet guy (cirrhosis), the clarinet-sax player (heroine), drummer (strait-edge), the guitarist (cocaine) and the singer (crack, crack, meth, and more crack). This band had a peculiar vision of what rhythm, melody, composition and performance should be. Lets just call them experimental, and be done with it.

Everyone agreed that The Refugee All Stars offered the best show. They met in a refugee camp in Ghana after escaping from the war in Sierra Leon. If the aura of their legend didn't win your heart, their percussion music did. You just had to dance. They had an amazing live show, with all sorts of weird homemade percussion instruments.

Lenine, a rock band from Brazil could definitely rock hard. I hear they are pretty popular there, and it is not surprinsing: they were good. I need to get their music now.

Finally, Dengue Fever, from California, but really from all over the world. Their music with Cambodian Lyrics was somewhat disappointing, or maybe I was just tired and hungry by then.

The Crazy Girl

I've seen this girl around my neighborhood for more than 3 years. She used to always wear the same clothes, carried a heavy backpack and just walked. At any time of the day, she is walking walking walking. Sometimes she just walks around the block. She never makes eye contact; she rather cross the street. She never talks to anybody. She just walks walks walks.

I'm not the only person that has noticed her. A lot of people in the area has seen her, but no one knows anything about this mysterious character. One time I wanted to figure out her destination and started following her, or as it is called in the P.I. biz, tailing her. Her spidersense warned her about it, and she turned around and walked back.

My roommate got very excited the day when she noticed that the girl was wearing a new shirt. A week later, she heard her singing. The Crazy Girl's life seemed to be transforming. But the metamorphosis was never completed, and we never figured out what happened.

Several times I tried to convince myself to just fucking go talk to her. But, after being chickenshit for so long, I decided that I didn't had the right to ruin the mythology around a character that defined our neighborhood. I've lived content with this decision for more than a year now, and I thought I even had an unspoken agreement with The Crazy Girl: you don't make eye contact, I won't make eye contact.

20 minutes ago, she broke this agreement.

My friends were dropping me off after SxSW (more on that later) at my house, and as I was getting into the house (~3am), she was walking down the street, as usual. She stared down my friends car, and I was shocked to see her attention so focused at something that wasn't just walking. And then, she talked to me:

"What the fuck are you staring at?" Her voice carried a surprising strength. For some reason I always imagined her voice cracking up, shy, as if she hadn't used it for years. But, not only she seemed to use it pretty often, but she used it with the authority only known to a drunken bum mad at you for not giving them money.

I apologized for staring at her, and walked towards her. I saw her eyes, they had fire in them: she had a purpose in life. Not reaching world peace, not getting rich, something much more important. No wonder she avoids eye contact; when she looks at you she projects a collimated beam of emotion that pierces through your retinas overcharging your neurons, to what the brain has the only choice to activate the fight or flight instinct.

"Do you have a cellphone?" She asks. I almost cracked up at the question. For the first time in my life, I apologized for not owning a cellphone.

"I just need a ride. It is important, and I don't have money for a taxi." I asked where she wanted to go, considering if I should give her a ride. She might be crazy, but she is The Crazy Girl from my street.

"You know, whatchmacallit, there, south, not south, there, downtown, not downtown, you know. Fuck. There. I just need to get there now." She wasn't making any sense. I somewhat apologized for not being of any help. "I need to fucking get there." She said. I pointed out that it was a bit late, and there could be far.

I'm not making this shit up, the conversation did turn out to be so surreal that I was talking about the word there as if it was a specific geographical location. "I don't fucking care." She replied as she started walking walking walking. I wished her good luck finding a ride, and she politely replied: "Fuck you."

Theorems proved while wearing sarong

A sarong is a piece of cloth tied like a skirt. They are not only popular when going to the beach, but also when proving mathematical theorems.

I present you with:

The Earth is NOT Moving

Fellow Creationists: It's wake-up time!!- Marshall Hall, in his book titled The Earth is Not Moving

The Earth is Not Moving.

Over the centuries, superstars in the physical sciences established the Copernican model as an unchallenged fact. This success paved the way for conquest of the biological sciences (Darwin et al). This transvaluation of values and philosophy (Nietzsche et al) then quickly spread to the social and behavioral sciences (Marx, Freud et al), to mathematics (Einstein et al), the Arts (Picasso et al), Education (Dewey et al), and so on through today's media reinforcement of all of the above.

The exact opposite of the Truth

Mathematics--utterly abstruse and esoteric--now became the primary instrument in the hands of Copernicans. The secular science establishment used this new priesthood of "mathematicians" to soften up the universities first, and then the churches. Thus was the way prepared for the acceptance of some real Bible-bashing by the coming "scientific" substitute for the six-day Creation of man and all else, viz., Darwinism.

Once Satan's counterfeit of God's Truth of an earth-centered geocentric universe gained control of "higher" education, the way was clear to foist his evolutionary counterfeit into the corridors of academia with very little opposition! The real spade work had already been done!

Copernicanism and Darwinism can't be separated!

1) No one--not Copernicus, not Kepler, not Galileo, not Newton, not Einstein--absolutely no one has proven the earth to be moving.

2) The earth moves only thru abstract, abstruse, and esoteric mathematics invented to make it move.

3) Over 200 truly scientific experiments using real mathematics have shown no earth movement, and these had the science establishment in a panic from the 1880's until Einstein came to the rescue in 1905 with his "relativity" hypothesis.

4) Relativity is pure claptrap and there isn't a person reading this who can't know that fact.

5) Foucault's Pendulum, the Coriolis Effect, and geostationary satellites do not prove a moving earth.

Testimonies about the book

"I read The Earth Is Not Moving two years ago. Your dissection of Einstein et al was excellent. I've had my suspicions for years. This same phony science plus psychology produced the man-made religion of "Ecology".... [Wanted geocentric model of movement of solar system.... Sent one.] David Peers, Gibsons, B.C., Canada

Price of the book: $20.

Learning:

I. That the Bible teaches that the Earth is not moving AND CAN NOT BE MOVED.
II. That Mathematics have been invented specifically to uphold Copernicanism. There is no real evidence that the Earth moves.
III. The roles that Copernicus, Kepler, Galileo, Newton Einstein et al have played in giving this great lie its present universal grip on man's "knowledge".
IV. That the so-called "proofs" of the Earth's rotation ---The Coriolis Effect, Foucault's Pendulum, Geosynchronous Satellites --- prove nothing of the sort.
V. That the LOGIC against a moving Earth is both abundant and overpowering.
VI. That Zodiac and Parallax factors make the universe at least 25 times smaller than we are told.
VII. That the exposure of this great lie will precipitate a back-to-the-Bible movement that will shake the world.

Priceless.

Por favor, no fortifiquen la leche

En Puerto Rico, ademas de en Nicaragua, hay noticias de mucha importancia.

Encuentran una placenta en caja de leche

Según informó la Policía, un empleado de la Suiza Dairy estaba supliendo el supermercado, ubicado en la carretera 111, de jugos y leche cuando divisó una bolsa negra dentro de una caja de leche.

Al percatarse que tenía una placenta, le informó al gerente del supermercado, Luis Colón Santiago, quien a su vez se comunicó con la Policía.

por favor, no permitan que los chavalos huelan pega

Alguien tiene que hacer algo para detener a estos chavalos.
Ya no soportan a menores huelepega

SAN MARCOS, CARAZO, (Alberto Cano).- Un llamado a la Policía para que ponga en su sitio a unos siete chavalos que se dedican a inhalar pega en las cercanías del cementerio, en esta ciudad, hacen los habitantes del reparto Alvaro Mercado, que está próximo al camposanto.
Una carta enviada a nuestra redacción en el departamento de Carazo y que está sustentada por más de cuarenta firmas, señala que los insolentes chavalos ya drogados ofenden a cuantas personas transitan por el lugar y practican actos obscenos en la vía pública y las tumbas del cementerio.
Además, los cipotes se roban lo que encuentran a su paso para comprar la droga, y nadie los soporta en el vecindario, dice la misiva.

La criminalidad esta rampante en nuestro pais favorito
Grabadora lo salvó de matones

MURRA, NUEVA SEGOVIA.- "Primero me insultaron como quisieron, luego, armados con un filoso cuchillo y una cutacha me lesionaron", dijo aún asustado el ciudadano Wilmer Alexis Espinoza Tercero, de 23 años, originario de la comarca Las Victorias, jurisdicción de este municipio neosegoviano fronterizo con la república de Honduras. El campesino dijo ante la estación policial murreña que el hecho ocurrió a las cinco de la tarde del siete de enero, pero lo denunció hasta el sábado trece. El afectado relató que se dirigía a su casa, cuando fue interceptado por los presuntos autores de este delito tipificado como tentativa de homicidio, identificados como Presentación Palma y Virgilio, cuyos apellidos no reveló. Wilmer Alexis cargaba una radiograbadora al momento de la lesión y se las lanzó en defensa propia a los dos sujetos. La Policía local, a cargo del teniente Marvin Díaz, investiga el caso y busca afanosamente a los agresores, para capturarlos y remitirlos a la orden del juez Local Único de Murra.

Patita'e Puelco pa Guinness

A wonderful, magical animal.
-Homer Simpson, comentando acerca de los cerdos

Cerdos. Puercos. Marranos. Chanchitos.

Tal vez recuerden nuestros post anteriores de los cerdos, como el de Hogzilla, el trauma infantil, la orina de puerco y Flor Marie. Más de 50% de la proteína consumida en el mundo proviene del cerdo. Es que el cerdo verdaderamente es un animal increible, se puede uno comer todo desde el hocico, pasando por las patitas, hasta llegar al rabito. Bueno, todo menos la leche.

Carli Rolón trajo a mi atención que en mi pueblo, Guaynabo, además de ser famoso por tener muchas buenas familias, tratará de establecer el record Guinness del guiso de patitas de puerco más grande del mundo.

El récord se lo daría la cocción de 1,000 libras de patas de cerdo en un “caldero” que pesa 1,880 libras y cuyas dimensiones son 8 pies de largo por 4 pies de ancho y 2 pies de profundidad.

Esto ocurrirá en el contexto del decimocuarto aniversario del Festival de la Patita de Cerdo, que será animado por Cielito Rosado, Luis y Roberto Vigoreaux, Elvis Crespo y Otilio Warrington “Bizcocho”.