How to get a job as a postdoc

Just follow this format, and you can't go wrong.

Professor < insert name of professor with funding >:

Howdy!
Look, I'm friends with several of your postdocs and collaborators, and I'm working with them. My own research is related to papers that you have written. We have talked before, and you said that you had read my papers. You say on your website that you were always looking for motivated postdocs, well hell, I am fucking motivated. Do you hear me? FUCKING MOTIVATED. Could I please please please please please please get a job? I would help you slaving graduate students and writing grants and all those boring things. Pleeeeeease.

Thanks in advance,

< insert your name here >