Friday, April 28, 2006

Una carta a Las Mimbrosas

Una conversación

Esta carta abierta va dirigida desde el fondo de mi tierno corazón a la creadora y las colaboradoras de lo que era uno de mis blogs favoritos, El Mimbre Despeinado. Sé que el mimbre no es una conversación, así que he decido usar mi blog para conversar con ustedes.

Arquitectos del mañana

El mimbre fue creado y formado originalmente por amigas de mi infancia. If memory serves me right, lo primero que ellas publicaron fue en unas mimeografías editadas por Maestra Prieto. Apestaban a alcohol, y la tinta era azul-violeta. Maestra Prieto, con su traje con un roto en el sobaco que se le veía cuando levantaba su brazo para morder su empanadilla de pizza mientras daba clase, sembró la semillita de la paz en estas niñas que florecería luego en un fabuloso blog. Niñas que a pesar de no haberlas visto hace años, recordaba por su tajante sentido del humor que era como reírse de un alguien que se cayó y se hizo un tajo. Cruel. Observador. Comedia genial. Que ofende, pero que se joda, es gracioso. El mimbre era injusticia. El mimbre picaba.

Dame más mimbre


Cada vez que veía un post nuevo, mi corazón se aceleraba como si yo despertara para ver una caja grande forrada de papel de regalo debajo de un arbol de navidad. Yo era un fan del mimbre despeinado.

Cómo toda serie, el mimbre tuvo sus altos y sus bajos, pero mantenía una cadencia candente y decadente que me hacía volver por más más más mimbre. “Nenas, denme to el mimbre que tengan” pensaba insatisfecho macharranamente.

La responsabilidad hacia los fanáticos

Si buscan en sus anuarios mi foto, verán que dice que soy el fanático #1 de los Simpsons. Esa legendaria serie empezó con unos tropezones, pero rápidamente se convirtió en un clásico. Luego de casi dos décadas corriendo, la serie va perdiendo fuerza, y es sólo un recuerdo de lo que era antes.

Esto NO es lo que le pasó al mimbre.

Pero igual defrauda a los fanáticos. Llega un punto que una obra se vuelve más que sus autores y toma vida. Y nosotros los fans, por nuestra lealtad, nos creemos con el derecho de demandar una resolución.

Sopa de joyo para el alma

El mimbre tuvo una transición de fase. Es cómo que empezó a tratar de imitar a Sex and the City, pero los libretos eran tipo Luisito Vigoreaux. La Gran Popeya. Era como leer Reader’s Digest, casi podía imaginar las secciones clásicas que le faltaban: Citas citables. La Risa Remedio Infalible. Soy la tota de María.
Se volvió algo que la Maestra Gisela aprobaría, pero que apesta a Mancha.

Terry Schiavo

¿Qué se debe hacer con el mimbre? No sé, pero tengo fé en el mimbre.

Una Oración


Todas las noches, antes de ir a dormir, me arrodillo junto a mi camita, junto mis manitas, y con fe de la posibilidad de un renacer, recordando como Jesús cambió el agua a vino, rezo lo siguiente:

Cómo ave fénix
sale'e cenizas,
y de la tripa,
la longaniza.

De mierda’e vaca
salen los hongos,
y al injerirlos
son bien tripiosos.


Qué Papa Dios les traiga muchas bendiciones.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Goat on a Pole

There are certain things in life that are priceless. For everything else, there is a goat on a pole.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Things I learned from D Day

- I should buy a good torch for caramel.

- Drunk people like to serve themselves flan with their bare hands.

- The service industry is a lot worse than I thought it was.

- I love cooking. I love cooking under pressure. I love cooking with awesome people. We had a blast.

- People that aren't good at cooking can be trained very fast to perform important tasks in the kitchen.

- There is never enough rum.

- Some people say that they want to help out, don't really mean to. When the party starts, they will forget they had stuff to do.

- I get irritated easily when I'm very tired.

- Quality food processors are worth their money.

- This wasn't the best way to meet chicks. I was hoping to meet some hot chicks at the wedding that would be impressed by our crazy adventure. I was so busy that I wasn't even able to check them out.

- I need a good, big, pressure cooker.

- Setting up stations is important. Make people responsible for their station, including their equipment and cleaning it up.

- Duct tape is a wonderful thing.

- Make people commit to clean. Everyone wants to cook, but very few want to clean. The mess we made was so horrendous that the owners of the Ranch were very worried. Don't worry, we did a great job cleaning everything after we were done.

- Smoking pork looks like a lot of fun.

- Chef jackets and hats are very well design for their tasks.

- Restaurant food distributor have some really good and cheap ingredients in bulk.

- I don't have patience to serve people.

- Having a lot of towels is a great thing.

- I'm crazy.

Tonka, D Day

Antonia ha escrito acerca de las gorditas agradecidas, y hasta en D Day se encuentra uno con ellas.

Ella era una gorda cuadrada, inmensa, sólida, con un lunar inmenso en la cara, fuerte, como una troquera. Interactué con ella muy poco, ya que estaba muy ocupado siempre. Luego, durante un merecido break, ella se me acerca y me pide mi número de teléfono. Me sorprendió mucho el pedido, no es como que habíamos hablado nada. Ella era muy clara en lo que buscaba, y yo no tenía ni el mínimo interés en ella.

No tuve más remedio que darle el número, y entonces fue que empezó con su labia monga de que a ella no le gusta el flan, pero que ese le gustó, y que quiere que le enseñe como hacerlo. Le dije que luego de hacer tanto flan, no tenía ganas de ver un flan más en mi vida. Luego ella procedió a decir que ella pensaba que yo era bien cool y que quería jangear conmigo y ser mi amiga. Yo sonreí estúpidamente sin saber como zapatearmela de encima, mientras ella hablaba boberías genéricas. Dije algo en la línea de que está bien, pero que yo era una persona bien ocupada. Ella dijo que no importaba, que me llamaría mucho e insistiría todas las semanas. Hasta ahora lo poco que conocía de ella es que era bien fea, aburrida y se cantaba stalker.

Me jodí.

Luego de eso me fuí lejos, lejos, lejos de todo el mundo. Busqué un arbolito en lo oscuro, me recosté, bajé el sombrero de chef a taparme los ojos y me dormí profundamente. Me levantaron ruidos como los que haría un rinoceronte tratando de inflitrarse silenciosamente en un bosque lleno de ramas caídas.

Me levanté el sombrero, y allí estaba ella, preguntandome cómo estaba y si quería compañía. Le dije que estaba bien cansado, que quería estar solo y dormir. Y se fue así mismo como llegó: crunch crunch crunch. Yo no pude dormirme de nuevo, y me fui a terminar el alcohol que quedaba de la fiesta.

Más tarde esa noche, luego de mucha celebración, el cansancio por intoxicación y la intoxicación por cansancio me obligaron a dormir en un sofa-cama en el Rancho. Era de esos que el matre fue diseñado con un tubo que te rompe la espalda toda la noche y te manda derechito al quiropráctico. Durante la noche, se abre la puerta: eran dos muchachas, Tonka y una muy bonita. Estaban buscando donde dormir. Era obvio que una de ellas compartiría cama conmigo.

Tonka ocupaba 2/3 del matre.

La teoría de la relatividad general dice que la aceleración gravitacional es efecto de un objeto masivo que curva el espacio. Me ví reducido a acurrucarme en una esquina sin casi sabana, peleando por no chorrearme para el centro de la cama que estaba hundido curveandose hacia su hoyo negro. Me dormí agarrado del borde de la cama. No se si temblaba de frío o del miedo.

Su respiración profunda y pesada resonaba de una forma horrenda dentro de su inmensa cara. Sus ronquidos parecían cantos cetáceos. Biólogos marinos del mundo, por fin nos podremos comunicar con los gigantescos mamíferos acuaticos gracias a Tonka.

Cómo si fuera poco, Tonka recibió más de 10 llamadas al celular. Su ringtone era uno de esos que tenía que tener en la descripción alguna palabra cómo "conga" o "calipso" y evocaba imagenes de un enanito rumbero armado con maracas, bailando al ritmo pregrabado de un tecladito eléctrico. Su sueño pesado hacía que no contestara el ring del celular a menos que yo le gritara algo. Me cago en la madre de los celulares.

Por la mañana ella se levantó y se fué.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Flantastic, D-1, D Day

It would be easy to say that the cheese flan stole the show. The wedding cake was pretty much untouched, while people had seconds and third servings of the flan.





After making 18 flans, we had a hard time finding were to store them. We ended up putting some in a cooler.




The cheese flans were decorated with caramelized blackberries and strawberries

We then used caramel spirals and chocolate to make them extra pretty, and coffee liquor was used to contrast the sweetness of the cheese flan.

Everybody was commenting on how pretty they looked.



A little girl saw the flans as we were setting them up. "Is that flan?" "Yes." "Wooooow! They look so pretty!" I think that was the best part of the whole crazy adventure. It made my heart smile.


We put extra effort on the special flan for the bride and groom. The strawberries were soaked in rum.





After this whole event, one of the chefs decided that there was only one way to eat the flan that we had saved for her.

The Ugly, H Hour

The ugliest part was the, well, they screwed us up. We were told several times how we were not responsible for the drinks (water, tea). I was told not to worry, that it wouldn't be our responsibility.

In the end, since no one did it, we had to do it. That meant that we lost a lot of people to the process of bringing ice, filling up the water in the tables and so on. Old ladies got impatient with us, and couldn't understand that it wasn't even our responsibility to do that. We weren't getting paid for this. But they didn't know.

It also represented that people like me ended up being force to serve people. I said many times how I wasn't going to deal with serving people food. I like to work behind the curtains. Dealing with people, well, isn't my strength. I don't have much patience and can't fake a smile for more than 10 seconds. But, there was no one else to do it, so I had to. And I hated it. It was horrible.

Phobos was tempted to kill a couple with his chef knife.

First, they walked towards the special flan that we worked so hard decorating. This flan was going to be just for the newly married couple, and I had it out of reach of people. There was this guy who was a bit drunk, and his date, who was a total bitch who only talked about how Austin sucked because it didn't have a 5 star hotel, and the best hotel in town didn't have engravings in the doorknobs.

Engravings in the doorknobs...

They approached the special flan, and my flan-sense told me that they were going to ruin it. I ran to save the flan from them, but failed to. The guy, for some reason I still don't understand, decided to tilt the plate of the flan, spilling the caramel all over the table and ruining some of the flan decorations.

I was furious.

I was able to clean up the mess, and redecorated the flan, and not much harm was done. I ran back to my station after yelling to the couple as if they were bad dogs: "NO! NO! NO! GO AWAY!". There I started to serve more flan to people, and the couple decided to make the line and ate some flan. The problem was that they just stood there, in the middle of the line, standing there, eating, blocking access to the table, and more importantly, irritating me even more.

The girl was talking about how she was an architect, and how the best feeling ever was when she was wearing her power-suit for a power-meeting talking to the clients and closing a billion dollar deal.

Zeus, if you send a lightning from the clouds and kill the power-girl, I will sacrifice a bull every full moon.

The guy started to get excited in the conversation with the power-girl; his drunken hands moving in wide circles. I thought he was going to stab someone with his fork with his gesturing. Instead, he dropped the fork right on top of a flan.

I fisted the knife I was using to cut the flan.

I walked away from the station, and decided to chill out with the GoatMini and the DonkeyNano.

I hate people.

The Bad, D+1 Day

The bad part was the cleanup. We had rented a lot of catering equipment, including cups and plates. It wasn't clear to us from the beginning that we were in charge of cleaning everything. In fact, we thought that there was people contracted just for that purpose. We were wrong, and ended up crashing in the farm after the wedding in order to wake up to clean the mess.

Here is a picture of some of the stuff after we cleaned it.

The Good, D-2, D-1, D Day



The good part was cooking with a lot of really awesome people. Everyone was focused, but not super serious. We had to deal with each under tense conditions, and everyone seemed to get along really well.



It felt really good when we knew we were doing great on time and decided we could afford to take a break and a few drinks. By this time, we had all become really closed friends.



Everyone of the chefs were great, and I would love to cook again with them.

The buffet, H Hour

People seemed to like the food. Many of them were Texans that were very mystified by the weird food we were serving. But, a quick glance around the tables revealed that people finished their plates.
Some of our Intel agents informed us that people really enjoyed everything. Someone that works for a fancy smancy catering service said that she was very impressed, and declared the meal a big success.
Trying to account for possible mistakes, we had made food for 200 people. The problem was that there weren't any screwups. We ended up with way too much food for 150 people. We got chinese take-out boxes, and told people to take some food home with them. They cleaned up all of it. ALL of it.

Empty plates make me happy.

Victory, D Day

The dinner was a total success. The food came out delicious. It was so much better than anything we had practiced before. Everybody was really impressed.

There are many good stories, but I'm too tired, so those will have to wait. I even have pictures, so, stay tunned.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Ahead, D-1

Yesterday we started cooking for the wedding. People were still running around trying to buy equipment, many people didn't show up until very late. Which was probably a good thing; that left us, the main "Chef's" with a kitchen to ourselves, and equipment to play with.

Not only did we get chef hats, but we also got chef jackets. Isn't that awesome? We've been wearing them all the time. Which leads to interesting situations, as many people treat me like I was an employee. For example, today, for a family reunion, they used the locale and had someone deliver burritos. One guy from the party saw me running around with my hat and jacket, and came to congratulate me for the excellent burritos.

You are welcome!

Thanks to the two pressure cookers and the excellent food processors I had, I was able to finish making hummus for 200 people way ahead of schedule. That freed me to make flan. There were two problems: electric burner and a missing rack from one of the ovens. The first one made caramel making a painfully slow process.

Caramel is an exothermic reaction, when it starts caramelizing, it keeps on caramelizing and burns. Temperature control is critical, and a slow response electric oven isn't the best one. What a pain in the neck.

The missing rack from the oven meant that I could flan less in a batch than I thought I could. I ended up going to sleep in situ.

I should talk about the place a little bit. The locale is a gorgeous ranch, with miniature donkeys and goats. GoatMini.

There are many cool trees to sit under, and drink some rum. Also, the flowers (I guess) were giving me horrible allergies. While cooking, I ended up with a tshirt tied around my face in the Zapatista fashion to help with the allergies. It creeped out many people.

The house is a mansion with many rooms and bathrooms. Many of the rooms where occupied by the bride's family, and we, the chefs, stayed in one room. I got to crash in the couch at 3am, and then woke up at 6:30am to flan some more. At 7:00am I was still half asleep, which isn't the best condition to make caramel. I burnt the caramel, which triggered the fire alarm and woke up everyone, including the bride's grandmother.

Good morning; I'm Phobos; nice to meet you too.

I finished the 18 flans by noon, slightly ahead of schedule, and left to take care of some stupid TA meetings and so on. After much traffic, I was back in the ranch surprised to see that we were way ahead of schedule, and I ended up drinking more than working. Which was great, because I was super tired.

I'm home early. My feet hurt. My hands are all blistered, cut, burnt and without much sensitivity. I will try to rest well since tomorrow it will be a long day.

D Day.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Vatel, D-3

If memory serves me right... Vatel was a legendary french chef that had to organize a three day banquet for Louis XIV. Can you imagine inventing whipped cream while dealing with all the stress to entertain the Sun King? Yep, that is what Vatel did.

In the very last day, due to weather conditions, they had problems with their fish order. The main dish would be ruined. Vatel, ashamed, committed suicide: three stabs with a sword. His body was found by his assistance when he was looking for him to tell him the great news that the fish finally arrived.

Tomorrow, D-2, we start cooking for the wedding.
Every battle, reputations are on the line in Kitchen Stadium [...] The heat will be on!
-Iron Chef

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Godfather is going to do time in the can

The Godfather has been arrested.

The head of the Sicilian Mafia, Bernardo Provenzano, nicknamed "The Tractor" for the way he once mowed down his rivals, was arrested without a struggle yesterday after 42 years on the run.

The 73-year-old was found in a small farmhouse near his home town, Corleone.

[...]

Provenzano, the subject of the Godfather novel and films, had been on the run since 1963 after being involved in the killing of a rival, Michele Navarra.


THE Original G.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Acerca de cómo la leche de puerca me salvó de El Guaynabito

Hoy fuí a una fiesta y me encontré a El Guaynabito. Traté de evitarlo lo más posible, pero finalmente las obligaciones sociales presionaron a que tuvieramos que hablar. Me contó sus emocionantes aventuras salvandole la vida a peces de riquitos. Sus clientes son personas tan adineradas que él no puede mencionar sus nombres. Aunque él es un veterinario experto en peces, me contó que además está tratando de especializarse en cerdos, porque aparentemente hay mucho millonario que tiene cerdos como mascotas y eso paga bueno.

Yo sentía que me asfixiaba como a un pez fuera del agua de esos que el opera mientras me explicaba acerca de las regulaciones federales en el uso de antibioticos en peces. Así que, con la seriedad que me caracteriza siempre, usé muchos adjetivos para cualificar lo crucial que era la resolución de una pregunta para mi paz mental, y como él era el único que podía arrojar luz ante la tortuosa inquietud que me mantenía despierto por las noches. Le hice la pregunta acerca de la leche de cerdo.

No me supo describir a qué sabía, pero aprendí algo valioso: siempre que me encuentre en una situación incómoda socialmente y necesite escapar debo recurrir a hablar acerca del gran misterio de la leche de puerca.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

El día nacional del Limber

Gracias al bajo costo inicial de un negocio de limbers, yo me convertí en empresario a la corta edad de 10 años. Armado de un pote de jugo Tang y el congelador de casa, pude lanzar una operacion completa de manufactura y venta de limbers. Al final de una semana, había ganado $6 y había comido muchos deliciosos limbers. Fue entonces que decidí que era momento de dejar el negocio mientras la cosa estaba buena. Fue una gratificante semana de mi vida que me enseñó madurez, responsabilidad, mercadeo y contabilidad.



Los limbers son un pilar de Puerto Rico. Debemos solicitar la creación de un día del limber en el que se celebre el arte de confeccionar limbers y se hagan actividades en el parque Luis Muñoz Marin. Podría ser organizado por el Instituto de Cultura y patronizado por Jugos Otoao, Club Cups y el Banco Popular. La actividad sera amenizada por Burbujita (Los Ganzos Bailan Twist), Chicola (quien está muy necesitada economicamente), y hasta Juglar (que ha sido completamente olvidado). Chevi no será invitado porque tiene la malacostumbre de empujar los niños y hasta romperle los pinches de pelo y hebillas a algunas niñas. Yito el Pollito no irá porque, al igual que Remi, es fanático de las piraguas. Un sabado anual sería suficiente para crear conciencia de que el limber corre por la sangre de los puertorriqueños.


Mi limber favorito es el de limón.

tratado sociologico sobre la importancia del limber en la cultura puertorriqueña

El limber y la piragua son dulces autóctonos puertorriqueños que por sus características termales cumplen con la necesidad de refrescar los habitantes de la isla tropical. Durante los años, se le ha dado mucha mas importancia a la piragua como elemento típico puertorriqueño y se ha dejado al limber a un lado. El limber debería de tener una mayor importancia y debería de tomar el lugar que hoy toma la piragua en nuestro dulzoral típico. El limber ha sido mas importante para la cultura moderna puertorriqueña que la piragua. Me atrevería a decir que por lo que se le ha dado tanta importancia étnica a la piragua, es porque son homónimas con las yolitas que usaban los tainos. Sin embargo, estas piraguas cumplían funciones sociales muy diferentes a nuestros deliciosos jugos congelados.

A diferencia de la piragua, el limber es fácil de hacer y no requiere complicadas herramientas o materiales. La piragua requiere un bloque sólido de agua de la pluma, un carrito especializado, sirop de múltiples sabores, un coso para raspar el hielo y un vaso cónico para darle forma. El limber solo requiere un vaso plástico y jugo. Nótese que este jugo puede servir para diferentes propósitos, a diferencia del sirop que se utiliza en las piraguas el cual no es tan versátil. Este bajo costo inicial ha provocado que el limber sea mucho mas distribuido que la piragua. Como consecuencia de esto y por las leyes de oferta y demanda, el limber es mas barato que la piragua. El mismo es vendido en sumas de entre 25 y 50 centavos. La piragua ya no se consigue por menos de 1 dólar.

Es la característica nomadica del punto piragual que hace que la capacidad de adquirir una piragua este a merced del piragüero, mientras que el limber es un ancla que amarra a los niños corriendo bicicletas a un radio razonable de la señora que vende limbers. En general, estas Señoras que Venden Limbers son ancianas responsables y cariñosas que le enseñan honestidad, amor, cultura y muchos otros valores importantes a los niños. Digo "por lo general" porque, tras una entrevista realizada a Phobos, descubrí que siempre hay sitios peligrosos como la urbanización Metrópolis de Carolina donde la señora que vende limber también vendía pirotecnia ilegal. Esta señora no es representativa de lo que corresponde a un limbero tradicional.

Comer limber es también mucho mas divertido que comer que una piragua. La piragua uno se la come desde la puntita dándole pequeños mordiscos que parecen besitos de pajarito. En cambio comer limber es un proceso que se hace por etapas. Primero se lame un poco el sirop que se forma en la parte de arriba en lo que se derrite el limber lo suficiente para poder despegarlo del vaso. Luego se lucha para poder voltear el limber para que tenga el culito hacia arriba. En este momento, se tiene que tener balance para que no se caiga el limber al suelo mientras se esta comiendo.

La historia del limber ha sido también una muy interesante. Según un viejito de mi barrio, al visitar Charles Lindbergh la isla, los puertorriqueños quedaron impactados por las diferencias culturales. El frío emocional que demostraba el extranjero a una cultura tan candida como la nuestra provoco que la gente comenzaren a llamarles a estos jugos congelados al menos fonéticamente como Lindbergh. Aunque la fonética de la palabra limber ya esta establecida, se debería de estandarizar el nombre. Limber, limberg, Linbel, linberg son variaciones comunes de la palabra limber. Las reglas ortográficas castellanas prohíben colocar una 'n' antes de una 'b' por lo que las ultimas dos opciones no son permitidas por el idioma. Si se mira la historia, la ortografía correcta debería de ser Lindbergh, sin embargo propongo la gramática "Limber" ya que es mas fácil de escribir y evitara que se tenga que hacer una inversión sustancial en la remanufacturación de carteles. Una vez se estandarice el nombre, se debe de estandarizar el nombre del oficio del vendedor de limber a "limbero". Este termino acortaría expresiones como "Dale, vamo'a la casa de la señora que vende limbers".

Los invito a que reflexionen en el debate limber vs. piragua y espero que este post haya provocado en ustedes el interés de chupar limber.

Respalden a su limbero/a local.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

This is a Test (D-Day minus 14 )

Last year, during our birthdays, me and my friend decided to cook for a lot of people (~40). Some of our guests included this couple who had recently gotten engaged. Since they enjoyed our food so much, they took advantage of our ethanolized brains and convinced us to cook for their wedding. Yes, we will be cooking for 160 people; our price was simply some chef hats.

Last night, D-Day minus 14, we decided to throw a dinner party to test the menu.

Appetizers: Although the food will be buffet-style, these will be served at every table.

Pita - We got the Pita bread from a local bakery. These are very good, and the bakery often makes orders for restaurant.

Hummus - For pita dipping. The hummus turned out to be very tasty, but the garbanzo beans were a bit hard, so making the spread smooth took a lot of effort. Note: pressure cook for longer. It tasted very very good, but it will be a long process.

Mint Chutney - This cilantro and spear-mint spread turned out perfect, and was a great counter part to the hummus.

Raita - This bland yogurt cream is used to tame spicy flavors. It was good, but a bit unnecessary.

Salad
:

Green's - We had some fresh green's with sesame sticks and two different dressings. The homemade Ranch was tasty, but we felt that we rather go for something lighter. The other dressing was a spicy olives' oil. The consensus was to go for just a simple vinaigrette.

Main entrees:

Quinoa - This rice-like grain was cooked with onions and recaito. This improvised recipe turned out to be very good: light, fluffy and with the recao aroma.

Escarole - An italian bean dish with spinach, onions and tomatoes. It was so good, and went perfect with the Quinoa. This was my favorite dish.

Wheat Roast - Glutten, the protein extract from wheat, is used as the foundation for this meat-like vegetarian dish. Mushrooms and a gorgonzola cream made this very tasty. The texture was a bit spongy, but the vegetarians insisted that it was the way it should have been.


This is not the completed menu. Due to the time and equipment constrains that we had in the test run (it was in a small kitchen, compare to the fully equipped one we will have), we didn't prepare everything that we will on D-Day. We will smoke 90 pounds of pork, as well as make 16 cheese flans.

The test-run was very successful. It helped us to calibrate the portions, as well as understand the difficulties of the different dishes. If we have the promised equipment, I'm pretty confident that we will have a very successful catering for this wedding. We plan to start cooking on D-Day minus 2, so it will a three day cooking marathon.

On the subject of the lack of a pig milk industry

The question has been asked before, why don't we drink pig milk? After months of research, a satisfactory answer has been found!

Guy Petzall, the champion of the consumer, has made a website where he emails corporations asking for those questions that trouble our existence.

One of his letters was directed to the Illinois Pork Producer's Association.

Pigs are mammals too. They lactate, don't they? Why don't we harvest it?

Does their milk taste bad? It is toxic? Is it simply unattractive, perhaps an opalescent brown-green that blinds all to its delicious flavor?

Is it hard to milk a pig? Do they produce enough milk to make it worthwhile? Is it too viscous or thin to be of any industrial or domestic use?

Can you make cheese from pork milk? Or yogurt? Or butter?


The consumer-caring IPPA has clarified why don't they produce pig milk!

Porcine do lactate and their milk I will assume would taste great, because it is made of 8.5% fat in relation to the fat that makes up 3.5% of the components in cows milk. The other components such as lactose and water are found at nearly the same percentages in pig's milk. However, pigs will on average produce 13 lbs of milk in a day as compared to cows that produce 65 lbs of milk on average per day. Pigs unlike cows cannot become pregnant while lactating and therefore possess a severe economic problem to producers. whfle pigs consume less feed per day, economics does not allow pigs to be a viable source of dairy products.

The biggest challenge facing the porcine dairy industry is collecting the product. Pigs on average have fourteen teats as opposed to cows that have four teats. Pigs also differ from cows in their milk ejection time, a cows milk ejection is stimulated by the hoimone oxytocin and can last ten minutes, where as a pig's milk ejection time only last fifleen seconds as the suckling pigs stimulate the release of oxytoc in. The technology of a 14 cupped mechanized milking machine that can milk a pig in 15 seconds is not available to pork producers.

I hope I have answered your questions and I encourage you to think about developing a pig milking machine as you eat your bacon in the fixture.


Fascinating, isn't it? This explains why there isn't a pig milk industry, but the mystery surrounding its taste is still unresolved.